Key decides flag.

Prime minster John Key has received some criticism over the outcome of the New Zealand flag change. Key has stopped submissions having quote "found the one." 

Critics have claimed the use of such a rare pepe would result in the flag having no value, Key responded with the following statement.

"The people of New Zealand have decided on this idea and I as a prime minster have committed to making their choices matter! I may be the prime minster but I must listen to the public on some matters that will affect New Zealand long after I have gone."

Key dismissed questions about the sudden rise of mining companies driving trucks and drilling equipment into national parks as nothing more than company holidays. Apparently something else was passed hurriedly. Some think this has something to do with the sudden oil platforms swarming into areas all over New Zealand.  DOC has also being taking to court my Julia Rinehart who is suing on damages due to there refusal to let her open open cast mines in the Tasman area and Coromandel Peninsula.

Key reassures us that even though New Zealand may be "Crippled Indefinitely" at least we have a pretty flag now. 

ALL HAIL NEW ZEALAND

John Key claims the TPPA is "okay really"

"The treaty of Treaty of Waitangi is so 2000" 

Due to growing criticism over the New Zealand Governments attempts to push through the TPPA John Key has made a public announcement. He states during this that the TPPA is "okay really" and that "national  parks will not be stripped of resources."  This comes after growing concern that the TPPA would make labor laws redundant as large corporations could simply sue. Key responded to this with the statement "Look guys I know all those guys real well they are some swell blokes."

As it stands the TPPA is expected to pass unopposed and will not be removable by future governments. The BP CEO was quoted saying "If you tired to you would be in more dept than Greece."

In all seriousness the TPPA needs to be stopped! If you would like to know more please follow this link: http://www.itsourfuture.org.nz/

John Key to allow merger with the United States

John Key meeting with Obama

In a shocking turn of events Prime Minster John Key has announced he had plans to make New Zealand into the 51st state of the United States of America.

 This comes just weeks after John Keys last attempt to join another country, the vote to join Australia was 51-69 against. Andrew Little commented that if John Key liked Obama so much "why doesn't he marry him." John Key responded later that he "liked Obama but only as a friend" brushing aside criticisms that he had brought flowers last time he visited them stating that "it was a traditional Maori gift."

At press time John Key revealed plans to hold a referendum promising to only dismiss the parts he didn't like. The Obama administration also released this statement

"Speaking adjectivally John Key is a man of good moral and high social standing which is beneficial in this time with the economic resurgence and war with Isis."

The New Zealand Bite is seeking spin doctors to translate this.

Bill English caught in John Keys seat.

Bill English was caught red handed 

 Bill English was caught lunch time today sitting in Prime Minister John Keys seat in his office. Key was reportedly visibly shocked upon returning from his lunch time sandwich and toilet break. "He was sitting there in my chair searching through my desk." Key left parliament early to try to relax after the traumatic event. Bill English was seen not soon after leaving the Beehive red faced.

We approached Cameron Slater for further incite onto the event, this took sometime as we had to take him to a local McDonalds. Cameron then said Key had been borrowing  Englishes stapler and not returned it for three days.

Winston Peters was not available for comment after he was seen with Englishes stapler.

John Key proposes new HIV and AIDS bill.

                 

John Key proposed the bill Monday

In an attempt to gain support from Northland John Key made a press statement early Monday stating "I promise Northland that if they rise up against Winston Peters I will send all persons infected with HIV or AIDS to Australia."

When he was questioned how this was to be achieved Key stated that he planned to put all people who carried the HIV virus with or without AIDS on Stewart Island then have the New Zealand navy tow it to Australia. Labor later dismissed this as not cost effective and voted instead to stamp people on the head with a red stamp with the words HIV on it.

Winston Peters defended his seat stating that Key was operating with unfair bribes he later went on to promise faster bridges and more internet.

Tony Abbot has not comment on this as he is busy this week reorganising his bogey collection.